I hate it when my friends are right.

So when we've talked the last few times over the last two weeks, Alex told me that Shannon has some serious delusions of grandeur, and there is nothing there. I believe it when he tells me this because I know she is batshit crazy. I have two good friends in common with her even if she refuses to acknowledge that I matter. And has said as much to Michelle.

I have no problem with him dating anyone else, going out and getting laid, nothing like that. We live across the country from each other. It's not even physically possible to request that, for either of us.

But, what I do expect is for him to start talking to me honestly. He specifically brought up Shannon and how she is. I know this it true because of Tom and Michelle. The fat world is a small world, indeed.

So, what IS my problem, exactly?

It's not Shannon the person, really. It's the fact that Alex specifically brought her up, specifically said there was nothing there. But, I get a text tonight from Michelle. She asks me where Alex lives. I respond with Manchvegas. She laughs. Apparently, Shannon is in NH with Alex. Not a big deal. It's that Alex so defiantly defended himself, and then he is with this person who he says he has nothing with. I don't care that he spends time with her. But why make such a big deal about not being interested when he's obviously got enough there where he wants to spend time with her? It's more that he twisted what the truth kind of is. Shannon, who, by the way, apparently updated her FB status that he asked her to be his girlfriend (right. It took him 7 years and me moving across the country for him to tell me how he felt about me. I don't buy it.) yet she is not even on his friends list. Seriously, kid.

I want to let him in desperately. I want to let my walls down. But how can I do that when these types of things pop up? What am I to believe and what am I to ignore? I'm not sure I know. I want him. I want to have him in my life. But I'm not sure I can explicitly trust him because of things like this that pop up. And I want that more than anything. I am trying to, to let down my walls I have put up about him, to let myself fall head over heels in love with him. There is nothing more than I want.

But if he can't be truthful with me about things like this, how is he supposed to be my emotional rock he promises to be? How am I supposed to trust him?

I want to. I love him. I always have. We have a karmic connection, of this I am convinced, even if I won't readily admit it to friends. Or out loud. Which is why I want to finally let go and let him in. But....