This is mostly going to be for my own ramblings. I have tried to blog before, but with not much success. However, I must start to do this more now. I have so many thoughts going on in my own head and trying to get them all out, that I drown out the people around me who are trying to be there.
My friend Katie...tonight she blew a gasket on me. I'm not quite sure what to do with it, since after it happened she tried to write it off as being related to a meltdown earlier that had happened because of her foot. She has had surgery on both her feet this summer and is frustrated and suffering. This is a girl who is half my age and knows more than I do already. Maybe not know more, but is definitely wise for a girl her age. I think she has an old soul.
Anyway, Katie blew a gasket. I think if she was in front of me, she would have started screaming in frustration.
Let me rewind. I talked to Shawn tonight. Shawn is Lino's ex girlfriend and now part of what I consider to be our poly family. Well, maybe not a poly family right now because mom and dad have split, but what was our poly family. I consider her a sister. I trust her implicitly, and she brought something up that has really bothered the fucking shit out of me.
She asked me (for the second time in a few weeks) if perhaps I requested the break as a way to avoid the inevitable...ending my relationship with Lino. And then Katie brought up the same thing. it really bothered me a lot, because that was not how I looked at it at all.
I looked at a break as some time to myself, to work on fixing what is wrong in my life, try to get some of my confidence back. You see, that really has affected a whole lot in my life, but that is a topic for a whole different blog. I wanted to save up money or sell enough at shows to be able to hand Lino $2000 all at the same time, and wipe the slate clean. Start fresh. We were such a good, strong couple before all the bad things in my life took over my brain and made me lose myself.
Anyway, I talked to Katie about this. She tried to tell me that she thought Shawn might be right and have a point. I didn't get how she was phrasing it, and she blew. She told me that it didn't matter what we were talking about, it could even be beads, and somehow Mom would come up. My mom. My dead mom. Not even my Dad. I don't talk much about Dad. I talk about Mom all the time, and I guess it's time for me to stop doing that. Katie tells me that I talk about her every day, and that she doesn't know how else to help me. I had brought up that long list of losses I always bring up. Loss of both parents. Loss of friends and support network back east. I guess what I didn't count on was that talking about it that way, maybe my local friends thought that I considered them doggie shit on the bottom of my shoe, and that is so not the case. I go to my local friends for friendship and support. I never realized that they might feel that way.
I don't know how to change. I know I have things I need to change. Help me. Help me find a way.
I have also been told (by Lino of course) that my horny as hell face is exactly the same as leave me the fuck alone face. I need to work on my facial expressions. How do I do that? My whole life I had always thought my eyes had all the expression that anyone would ever need to see or figure out. I could smile with my eyes, make them dance, make someone blush. Or so I thought. Has this been wrong my whole life too? What else am I missing that are big blocks that makes people not understand me?
I wish I knew. I wish people saw me as approachable. I always tried to make myself feel and act that way as I love to be sociable and around people. But then people are scared to tell me how they feel or that they see something that could help. Do they not see that I am open to constructive criticism? That I want to make myself a better person, not to make them happy but myself happy?
I am so fucking miserable right now and I do not know what to do to change that.
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